Michelle Williams is Over Your #PoorMichelle Jokes

Poor Michelle Williams. The oft-forgotten third member of Destiny’s Child’s final incarnation has ben the butt of our jokes for too long, and she’s not gonna take it anymore.

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What Beyoncé’s ‘Surfbort’ Reprise Means for Her Career

There’s been something significant happening with Beyoncé recently. That’s pretty obvious on its surface, of course; between her secret album’s smashing success and her successful family life, a lot has been happening to Beyoncé recently. But I’m talking less about the broad strokes and more about the subtleties that are hinting at something much bigger happening with Queen Bey.

Bey’s performance with husband Jay Z at last night’s GRAMMYs is a good example of what I’m talking about. They did “Drunk in Love,” because despite not being the best thing on her self-titled, it’s always fun to see hip hop’s royal couple perform together. Watch it below:

Kind of a mess technically, but pretty fun, right? Yet one part sticks out as being much looser and far more interesting than the rest of the performance: When Bey slid on into a surprise reprise of the iconic “Surfboard / Surfboard” section of the song. Twitter went wild when that happened, and of course they did! Trying to figure out exactly how she pronounces the word (Serfbort? Surfboardt? Surfbort?) has become a national pastime since the album first dropped. It’s not surprising that Beyoncé would choose to throw something fun in there for fans.

Except it actually is. It’s incredibly surprising. Queen Bey may be good at a great many things, but fanservice has always been her weakest point.

Think back to Beyoncé’s Super Bowl halftime show. Many point to this as one of the best Super Bowl halftime shows ever. The demanding choreography and fast-paced setlist made sure die-hards and non-fans alike could find something to enjoy. On a technical level, it was an absolute marvel.

But look at the setlist closely: “Baby Boy”? “End of Time”? These are hardly the massive, career-spanning hits you’d expect. Sure, “Crazy in Love” and “Single Ladies” were in there, but I’m pretty sure Bey is contractually bound to play those whenever she appears. Still, no “Say My Name”? You reunite Destiny’s Child, and you don’t play “Say My Name”? The songs she performed seemed more like what she thinks she performs well versus what the audience wants to hear. (Because fans would have died over “Countdown,” let me tell you.)

For the dominant part of her career, Beyoncé preferred to be perfect rather than be playful. She was sexy, sure, but almost robotically so. She was fun, but it always seemed like an act. Being a Beyoncé fan was about worship more than love.

That’s why her new album, BEYONCÉ, is so beloved by fans: she finally stopped worrying and learned to love herself. A song like “Rocket,” with its deep sensuality and sprawling, barely lucid flow, isn’t perfect, not by a long shot. But it starts with her exclaiming “Let me put this aaaaaaaaaasssss / On ya,” sounding just as delighted with herself as she should. Same with “Yoncé,” a boastful bridge rap that Dangerously in Love-era Beyoncé would have left to her to-be husband. And yes, on the all-too-scattered “Drunk in Love,” Bey spits rhymes in circles around her husband. It’s a mess, but a beautiful mess. And last night’s GRAMMY performance made it even messier.

While watching the show in my office, many friends watching questioned Bey’s performance, from the song selection to the wet hair she performed it in. Yet I found myself watching it – particularly the “Surfboard / Surfboard” reprise – over and over again. It’s just wonderful to see the queen succeed by doing exactly what she wants to do: have fun. And she’s letting us have fun with her. That’s worth all the messy hair in the world.

(Oh, and it’s definitely spelled surfbort.)

5 Beyoncé Tracks to Download Today

If you recently came back from a week without technology — say, you took a trip to Amish country, or you had a bout of amnesia that was just miraculously cured (congratulations!) — there is a minor chance you somehow missed the news that Beyoncé floored the world by secretly releasing a new album (Beyoncé) last Friday morning. As such, you may not know that she broke iTunes sales records, topped the Billboard 200 after only three days of selling her record and basically caused an Internet-wide heart attack.

The queen diva’s strategy was to get people to buy the full album and experience it as an event once again. Considering the sales, it seems she accomplished that quite well. But you, our hypothetical technophobe or medical miracle, are also a bit wary of commitment. Buying a whole album is a lot, after all. Luckily, starting today, all the tracks from Beyoncé’s self-titled album are available for individual download.

The whole album is great, but if you’re looking for a starter pack before you go whole-hog, here are five tracks you should download.

20131217-124310.jpg“Pretty Hurts”
Every defining work — which, time will tell, but I do think Beyoncé is the queen’s masterpiece — needs a thesis statement. “Pretty Hurts” is the first track, the first video, and sets the theme for both the aural and visual experiences ahead. It’s been noted elsewhere that having the human embodiment of perfection tell us that “Perfection is the disease of a nation” is a bit jarring, but that’s not quite grasping the whole picture. Beyoncé doesn’t strive for perfection just because — she strives for perfection because that’s what we as a culture celebrate. More than that, she has to make it look effortless when it takes so much work and, likely, so much of herself.

This song — and this album — is an indictment of that idea: why must she give so much of herself? Why did she give up a childhood for trying so damn hard? It’s something she goes into in this video; “Pretty Hurts” and another song on this list are clearly the definitive one-two punch of the album’s first major message. Using the pageant as a metaphor for that struggle (“Just another stage, pageant the pain away”) is particularly effective, considering the near-uselessness of pageant skills in life beyond, of course, being pretty.

So as a thesis, “Pretty Hurts” works beautifully, but what about as a song? All you need to hear is the anguish in Bey’s tone, the pain of the lyrics and the scathing nature of the video, which I recommend downloading here more than any other song, and you understand what a powerful piece this is. Damning the system is daring for a pop star, but Bey’s disgust is unconditional here.

Best Line: The opening soundbite — “My ambition … is … to be happy.” It plays better in the video, as a complete whiff of a softball question she wasn’t expecting, but the intention of the line — ‘I’ve put so much of myself into being perfect, I forgot somewhere along the way that happiness was my goal’ — still resonates.

20131217-124410.jpg“Blow”
One of Bey’s clear goals in producing this record/living is to become Michael Jackson, more or less. She described Thriller as one of the big inspirations for Beyoncé, and nowhere is this more obvious than on “Blow.” The beat is pure MJ, facilitating the song’s retro flair.

Yet make no mistake: “Blow” is early-2000s Christina Aguilera dirrrty. It’s not “Ms. Knowles if you’re nasty” like “Partition” or “Rocket,” two of Bey’s filthiest recordings ever, but it does prominently feature Beyoncé telling her lover to turn her cherry out. It’s playfully sexy, a total jam (it was almost the first single before it was replaced by another song on this list) and will have you craving cherries all day. Or something like that.

Best Line: “Can you taste my Skittle, it’s the sweetest in the middle.” Beyoncé has plenty of nicknames for her ladyparts in this song, but “Skittle” stands out as particularly naughty.

20131217-124441.jpg“Jealous”
“I’m in my penthouse half-naked,” Beyoncé purrs at the outset of “Jealous.” “I cooked this meal for you naked. So where the hell you at?” This wounded woman warrior ballad is a spiritual sequel to “Ring the Alarm” off B’Day. Yet where that song was fueled by pure fury (allegedly about rumors then-boyfriend Jay Z was stepping out with new label star Rihanna), “Jealous” is a lot more emotionally conflicted. Is the lover in this song even cheating? Beyoncé doesn’t seem quite sure, but she’s got her suspicions — and she’s human, so of course she’s envious. She dusts off her old freakum dress, a thrilling callback to another B’Day track, and she goes out on the town to meet up with her ex and have some fun. “Don’t be jealous,” she taunts with just the right balance of indignation and pain in her tone.

Although “Jealous” at first sounds like a variation on a well-worn theme — ‘my man is cheating and I’m pissed’ — there’s so much more going on here psychologically. This is about Bey’s conflicts within her own mind; her lack of trust in her partner, perhaps because of past indiscretions. Like “Ring the Alarm,” Bey sounds dangerous — but this time, the only threat she poses is to herself. It’s a micro example of the album’s second macro trend: taking previous songs’ premises and expanding them into a more thought-provoking, artifice-shedding place.

Best Line: Easily the aforementioned nude cuisine preparation. To Bey, the idea of a man not being there for her naked cooking is unfathomable; he must be cheating.

20131217-124556.jpg“XO”
As you can tell from the “Pretty Hurts” and “Jealous” descriptions, Bey is in a deep place for much of this record. But all the claims that Beyoncé is without hits are pure hogwash, something you realize the moment “XO” hits its chorus. From the soaring production to Bey’s vocal, sure to put a spring in your step, this is the kind of song great memories are made of.

“XO” is bombastic, thrilling and hopeful. No, it’s not the most complex song in the world; in many ways, it’s the palate-cleansing gelato in the middle of your 12-course meal. But that’s hugely necessary, and a vital function for such an album as this. In a set of dark, challenging tracks, this one is the refreshing burst of joy you can enjoy all on its own for exactly what it is.

Best Line: Gotta be “Baby, love me lights out.” The tamest lyric on the record, yet somehow also the most romantic.

20131217-124508.jpg“***Flawless” (ft. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie)
If Beyoncé is Mrs. Knowles-Carter’s masterpiece record, “***Flawless” is her masterpiece song. What this track accomplishes in just over four minutes is monumental. It doesn’t waste a second, blazing through three different samples, the infamously boastful “Bow Down” that Bey leaked last spring and a new verse that has already gone viral.

Start with the framing of Bey’s appearance on Star Search. She was competing as part of Girls Tyme, a prototype Destiny’s Child that host Ed McMahon is heard describing as a “hip-hop, rappin'” group. They lost — baffling at the time to Bey, that you could put so much of yourself into something and still lose — to a group of white men named Skeleton Crew, who went on to do all of nothing. (Girls Tyme gets three stars — cleverly referred to in the song’s stylized title.) Already, the song feels connected to “Pretty Hurts” as almost a part two of her artist’s statement on imperfection.

Then there’s “Bow Down,” a vicious verse demanding that women respect her and, well, bow down. When it was first released, she was criticized for attacking other women — something that quickly gets called out in the final sample of the song, an excerpt of a TEDx Talk by Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie called “We Should All Be Feminists.” In the talk, Adichie condemns the idea that women are raised only to care about marriage and to compete with other women for men’s attention. But, she’s quick to clarify, she thinks competition between women for accomplishments “can be a good thing,” an important distinction that keeps Bey’s feminism feeling unique and singular. The last verse — a super-quotable section featuring the refrain “I woke up like dis / Flawless” —feels epic as you’re listening to it.

That’s a lot of parts, and it would be easy for all of it not to mesh. But it does, brilliantly, and in the process we get something incredibly special: a well-produced, masterfully performed exploration about Beyoncé’s feminist philosophy that doesn’t feel cheap or expository. Quite the opposite: it feels like a complete and utter jam. This isn’t just good pop music: it’s an incredible artistic statement.

Best Line: “I woke up like dis” is easily the breakout part of the record, ready to be GIF’d, danced to and Snapchat-captioned endlessly. But it’s more than quotable: it’s an incredibly caustic rebuke to the idea that men expect women to be beautiful in an instant, ignoring all the work they put into their image (see also: “Pretty Hurts”). It’s a rebel yell for women, uniting in their shared experiences of having to look — and be — effortlessly “***Flawless.”

Three more great tracks: “Drunk in Love” (ft. Jay Z), “Heaven,” “Superpower” (ft. Frank Ocean)

Follow Kevin O’Keeffe on Twitter @kevinpokeeffe.

Beyoncé’s 10 Best, in Honor of Her Bey-Day

Today is a sacred day for young Kevin O’Keeffes everywhere: Beyoncé’s birthday!

Happy birthday to the King of Pop! To celebrate this happy occasion (and to correct this awful list of the best Beyoncé songs that somehow does not have “Countdown” at No. 1 I mean what is this world coming to), here’s my personal list of Bey’s ten beyst songs. (Note: for a list of the most Bey songs, check out Rembert Browne’s Spotify playlist, which is just divine.)

10. “That’s Why You’re Beautiful,” I Am… Sasha Fierce

One of her less-well-known ballads from her third solo album, “That’s Why You’re Beautiful” strikes the mix of seductive and longing that only the Queen herself can seem to reach. Her vocal is lovely and lilting, and it’s eminently listenable. It’s also one of her most starkly emotional songs, unconcerned with boasting or being the HBIC. In many ways, this may be as close to hearing a “real” Beyoncé as we ever have been.

9. “Bow Down / I Been On,” self-leaked track

A controversial release, Beyoncé leaked “Bow Down / I Been On” with almost zero fanfare on her personal site. It was unclear what exactly we were listening to: two unrelated snippets? A hybrid experimentation? Pure noise? Once the speculation died down, though, we were left with an absolutely savage, taunting minute of music, accompanied by what has to be Beyoncé’s weirdest work ever, pitch lowered and including boasts about being in a Willie D video. Everything about it shouldn’t work, yet it’s truly captivating – and a breathtaking departure I hope to see included in her next album.

8. “Sweet Dreams (Live),” I Am… Yours

“Sweet Dreams” is a fine song, even though it does sometimes feel like a contemplative ballad wrapped up in a club-banger beat. “Sweet Dreams” live, however, is gorgeous both in interpretation and performance. I’ve yet to see any performance where Beyoncé doesn’t do the slower version, and for good reason – it transforms a forgettable single into a standout in any show.

7. “Diva,” I Am… Sasha Fierce

Make no mistake: “Diva” is absolutely savage. Yes, it borrows heavily from “A Milli” by Lil Wayne. Yes, she’s had other songs that are similarly power-packed (including two on this list). But nothing leaves the same impression that Beyoncé is a legendary figure, hitting the lyrics harder than we had ever imagined possible. Diva wasn’t a name for just the Broadway greats or drama queens after this song came out – Beyoncé was and is the Diva, and we all aspire to the same status.

6. “Ring the Alarm,” B-Day

There are two possible interpretations of “Ring the Alarm.” One is that, like many of the Queen’s best songs, it’s based on nothing but emotions that are easily relatable for the audience. (“Single Ladies” is a great example of that.) The other interpretation is that this song really is about an affair she discovered Jay-Z was having with Rihanna – or, at least, her suspicions that something was going on. Like many a tall tale, sometimes believing the rumors is more fun than the likely truth with this song. You just hope that Bey burned the chinchilla coat Riri left at their home by accident – and that she had fun doing it. In a way, this song posits that Beyoncé is a dark Superwoman: taking the revenge we all want but could never have.

5. “’03 Bonnie & Clyde” (with Jay-Z), The Blueprint2: The Gift & The Curse

Keep your “Upgrade U” and “Crazy in Love.” Don’t come to me with “Deja Vu” or “Hollywood.” Those songs may be great in their own way, but “’03 Bonnie & Clyde” is magical. Both performers ooze charisma, and Bey’s hook is flawless: “Down to ride to the very end / It’s me and my boyfriend.” While we may not want Jay-Z, that doesn’t mean she can’t make us want what she has with him: a love so strong, it’s criminal.

4. “Listen,” from Dreamgirls

Finding your own voice is hardly novel ground for a song, much less a movie theme, much less a movie theme in a film that also includes “And I Am Telling You.” Yet “Listen” stands apart from that other legendary hit largely because it goes beyond what Deena feels. “And I Am Telling You” is defiant from a character that we expect defiance from. “Listen” is the first real display of defiance from Deena, and feels right at home in Dreamgirls. But it’s just as effective considered all on its own – and the amount of amazing performances it has produced is a testament to that. (Check out Bey’s duet with X Factor UK winner Alexandra Burke below, and weep.)

3. “Schoolin’ Life,” 4

4 saw Beyoncé experimenting with different genres in ways that paid off better for some than others. The Queen herself must not have been very confident in “Schoolin’ Life,” a Prince-esque endeavor that was relegated to the deluxe edition of the album. Yet she shouldn’t have been afraid: “Schoolin’ Life” is different, daring, dynamic and so, so quotable. No matter what your station in life, this song is for you (literally, she says it’s for basically every age group possible), and you’re lucky to have it. It’s her surest hit that isn’t nearly as well-known as it should be.

2. “Say My Name” (as part of Destiny’s Child), Writing’s on the Wall

Destiny’s Child had plenty of hits in both its original four-girl incarnation and the renowned Bey/Kelly Rowland/Michelle “Who?” Williams trio. “Survivor.” “Bills Bills Bills.” “Soldier.” Yet when you think of DC, you think of “Say My Name.” Of Beyoncé’s big singles, it stands out as being deserving of the hype. Everything about it works, from Bey’s lead vocal to the bridge, filled with nothing but the word “yea” over and over. The cadence is unique and varied. The lyrics are the right mix of catchy and fierce. It would be a worthy #1 on any of these lists. The best DC song ever, and definitely among the best of Beyoncé’s.

1. “Countdown,” 4

Yet there couldn’t be any other. “Countdown” stands apart as being Bey’s best for so many reasons. On the album, it was one of the most successful experimentations, effortlessly combining a mix of sounds that could have been chaotic, but instead was desperate for you to dance along. Among her big hits, it recalls some of her best, yet stands apart as not just a club hit or a radio favorite. There’s serious artistic exploration happening here, from song to the video (that she filmed while four months pregnant!). “Countdown” is a classic, the kind of song you know will be around for years and years to come. It’s perfectly Bey, an overjoyed expression of marital bliss that even the unmarried can relate to. It’s not just good: it’s a masterpiece.

Think I’m “Crazy” for leaving off some of Bey’s biggest “Single”s? Wish there were some other DC “Survivor”s at the top? Tweet me your thoughts: @kevinpokeeffe.